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Open Container Update: Super Friends

By on Aug 26, 2010 in Politics, Six Pack Updates | 0 comments

“I got the pistol, so I’ll keep the pesos / That seems fair.” — The Refreshments, “Banditos”— More than a year ago, Utah’s Super Friends responded to an urgent call to action from their Hall of Justice. Led by Superman, they rushed to the rescue of pinned-down Utahns, who were in a fight for their very existence against the Legion of Doom. They took their fight to the people, prompting a loud uprising of followers who were mad about everything, including being mad. They shook their fists, they roared their engines, they dumped horse shit on federal highways. And they all rallied under the banner of a group that, despite their hyper-regional name and an acronym that sounds more like a supplement required by the FDA that egg producers routinely overlook, were the infant burps and farts of a soon-to-be powerful force across the nation....

Open Container Update: Lonely Places

By on Jul 28, 2010 in Six Pack Updates | 0 comments

“They were off to the bars, for a lack of a plan / Racing the stars to the lights of Cheyenne.” — James McMurtry, “Lights of Cheyenne,” as recorded at the Zephyr Club in Aught-Three. Many, many years ago, a friend and I got lost in Wyoming on our way to Chicago and wound up in South Dakota. That’s not a joke. There were plenty of reasons. For one, Wyoming did not have any open container prohibitions, allowing us to cross the state half-sloshed. At least, that is, until “Chocolate Thunder”—my 1986 Buick LeBaron that topped out around 60 mph—blew two tires in a construction zone outside of Laramie. At 4 a.m. So, we wound up in a Denny’s, where a waiter flirted with us while we tried to maintain the alcohol level necessary to make it out of the state. We also stared at a map, and realized that by heading north, we could...

Open Container Update: Death Is ‘Nigh

By on Jul 27, 2010 in Six Pack Updates | 0 comments

“Avoid the world, it’s just a lot of dust and drag and means nothing in the end.” — Jack Kerouac That sound you hear? Death. Maybe tomorrow, maybe decades from now. And it will find you in ways you probably never expect. For instance, box springs and FM radio are potential carcinogens. Box springs, I always assumed, were only designed to provide a convenient hiding place for porno mags — for the kiddies reading this, those are the lo-fi paper version of the naked women you can now find by just changing your search preferences in Google. And radio is obviously toxic, especially if you’ve recently listened to the suck-crap celebration of bad music from my generation on 101.9. (Salt N’ Pepa, Spice Girls and C+C Music Factory? That’s what defines Gen X?) Those aren’t the only things that will, potentially, kill you in the news today. A quick...

Cow Farts Create Hot (Legislative) Air

By on Feb 4, 2010 in Politics | 0 comments

Global warming claims get legislators hot and bothered. Climate change happens, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. What is not happening, however, is a definitive reason attributable to man. People, put down the pitchforks, at least the ones pointed at me. That’s not my argument, that’s the argument made by Rep. Kerry Gibson, R-Ogden, in pushing HJR12. That resolution urges the Environmental Protection Agency to step away from regulating greenhouse gases as pollutants. It also originally referenced “tricks” played to support the global warming “conspiracy,” although that was amended. The resolution passed the House Natural Resources Committee Thursday morning, with only Rep. Phil Riesen, R-Salt Lake, voting against it. First off, a little legislative education: resolutions mean nothing. Squat. They sound good and are great ways for...